I had a number of projects for school due today, and I was working up till the last minute for all of them. Most of the week has felt like I'm running to play catch up, which is ironic considering last week was spring break.
One of my coping mechanisms is busyness. I realized the first morning I came home from the hospital that I would probably be falling into one of two extremes: 1) never getting out of bed, or 2) running myself into the ground. I didn't want to get trapped in either of them though, and I have done my best to stay more in the "middle" and not run from the emotions.
Tonight I discovered that I haven't been doing as well as I thought when I started thinking through my day tomorrow and felt a mild sense of panic when I couldn't think of a whole lot of things to put on a to do list. Oh well.
Anyway, I said I'd write about going to see Miracle, and post some pictures of our time together.
Miracle weighed 2.5 ounces and was 6 inches long when she was born. She was so small, but absolutely perfect.
I was discharged from the hospital on a Thursday morning. On Friday morning, I got to go back and hold my baby. We took along a camera, since this would be our only chance to get some family pictures. I remember wanting to look nice (I hadn't cared much about that for the past few days)...that I didn't get the chance to show her I loved her, but that was something small I could do.
We got to the hospital, and the lady from the maternity ward had a private room ready for us, and told us to take all the time we needed.
While I was still in the hospital, Josh and I talked a lot about the things we were going to miss about Miracle's life. At one point Josh realized how sad he was that he was never going to get to dance with her. So we put on some music, and he got to dance with his daughter. I'm starting to cry now remembering it...it was such a special moment.
The few hours we got to spend with her were the happiest and saddest of my life, all at the same time. We were able to take a lot of pictures, and I treasure them now. We left that day feeling so much more peace. Still more pain than I had ever imagined....but not quite so hopeless.
One more note about the hospital...I can't say enough about how well we were treated there. The ER nurse was so kind. She went out of her way to take care of us in so many little ways. The doctor who delivered Miracle was really great. My night nurse Alex was wonderful...and I'll never forget Millie, one of the techs. She downright pampered me. I usually couldn't think of anything I needed, and she still figured out things she could do for me. The maternity staff that we dealt with were so kind...it really felt like they cared about us as individuals. They all made a nightmarish few days a little more manageable.
I feel like she looks like a Landis in this one...